What Happens When You're In Love?
by Nikki James
Summary: Alyssa, Banky, and Holden reflect. Chasing Amy fic from character's POV. Set after the movie. 3 Chapters. Finished.
1. Alyssa

No I don't own these characters. They belong to a genius of a man, and a very sexy one at that, Kevin Smith. I love you Kevin. :o)   
  
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What happens when you're in love? Shit. Shit happens. Always something, or someone comes along to screw things up. I mean, how often is it that you find that one person you want to spend forever with? And that person wants to be with you forever too? Even rarer.   
  
God, there were so many nights I'd just sit by the phone, staring at it. I was hoping Holden would call, or hoping I'd have the courage to call him. What are you supposed to do when your boyfriend wants a three-way, just because he can't deal with your past?   
  
I'm a little glad he didn't call. What would I have said? Would I have stuck to my convictions or just thrown them all away to come running back into his arms?   
  
I thought I was in love a long time ago, after I got over Caitlin. There have only been two times when I didn't have to question my love, and that was with her and Holden. I've since learned when I have to think about it, it's not love.   
  
The only other man i ever envisioned myself with was Shannon Hamilton. But he was like Jekyll and Hyde. He took me shopping in all the stores I wanted to shop in. He took me out to eat all the time. We even went to an opera. It was perfect.   
  
After I agreed to let him video tape us... well, he became evil incarnate. He acted like someone I didn't know.   
  
Holden reminded me of Shannon at first, which is why I was hesitant to be with him. But he never showed something I didn't recognize. He was sweet, kind, and loving.   
  
And I don't care anymore. All I can think of is Holden. And I've gone back to women but it doesn't matter because I know I'm never going to fall in love again. He was the one. I know that now. I just don't want to fall for another man. It's bad enough I see him in all the girlfriends I've had since.   
  
Conflict of interest and feelings. The last time I saw him, he told me to call him, you know, tell him what I thought of his apology in print. I said I would. I would've rather jumped across that table and into his arms, dragged him out of that con and into a hotel or something. I read his comic, and I loved it. But I never called.   
  
Is this right? I don't know. He's the only one I want to be with, and I *know* he feels the same way. Why am I torturing myself by torturing him? Why does what I say have to be taken so literally by him? It's hard being in love. Cause shit always messes things up.   
  
END 


	2. Banky

Underneath it all, I really do love Hooper. But I'm not in love with him. I could realistically spend the rest of my life with him and be happy, but it's not something i would have ever dreamed. We've got a lot in common. More   
than people would think. Stating the obvious, we're both into comics. That was always a stipulation of mine. It's why I started Bluntman & Chronic with Holden. I thought it would be a sure fire way to hold on to him. Hooper and I also pretend to be someone we aren't in public just to uphold an image for said comics. He pretends to hate white people, meanwhile he's dating one, and I... well I still kinda let my confusion rule my personality. I'll spout endless gay jokes while I myself struggle with coming to terms with who I am. Me and Hoop just get along. And I love him, very deeply. But I'm not in love   
with him.  
  
As far as I'm concerned, I'll be in love, forever, with one man, and one man alone. Holden-fucking-McNeil. I carried a torch for this man for 20 years, even though i only knew it consciously after he and Alyssa broke up. But looking back, I've always loved him.  
  
I often wonder why I was so stubborn. We'd had tons of fights over lesser and more major things, but we always made up in less than an hour. This time it wasn't about me. It was about that dyke Alyssa. And I was jealous. It was like he forgot I existed.  
  
It's not like he ever liked me back. Hoop loves me and I wake up everyday to thank God for finally giving me someone who will love me and wants to love me. And as much as I love Hoop, I still always wish it was Holden. It's nothing you can understand without having been through it.  
  
He still talks to Holden every few days. He knows how I feel about Holden, but I'm not gonna stop him from being friends with him just because we're not friends anymore. That's not fair to Hooper. All I ask is that he doesn't tell me if Holden said anything about me. It's been a long time, but it still hurts. Good or bad, I don't want to know. I just want to be happy with Hooper. He makes me happy... makes me smile... makes me happy to be alive   
even. And as much as I love Holden, he never made me feel like that.  
  
Hooper should be glad I'm not in love with him. I don't want to fall in love with him. It's been my experience that everything falls apart when you're in love. I don't want me and Hoop to fall apart. Ever.  
  
END 


	3. Holden

"I'm not your fucking whore." It was the last thing she said to me before she walked out of my life. I still don't understand. It wasn't about sex! Couldn't she see that? It was about bringing together the two people who meant the most to me. I sure as hell wasn't going to choose one or the other. All or nothing, they say. I risked it all and gained nothing but years of pain.  
  
What makes it worse for me was the last thing Bank said to me before Alyssa broke my heart. "Sure." God, I can't even imagine how much courage that one word took. "Sure." With just that one simple word, everything came out. His love for me, his jealousy of Alyssa, and his homosexuality. I never knew he had that kind of strength.  
  
After she left, Bank went straight to his room and started packing. He didn't speak to me again. We finished the last issue of Bluntman & Chronic in two different buildings.  
  
It's funny how you never realize how much you love someone until they're gone. How you just take for granted their presence because they've been there for so long. You never think about what life would be like without them because you just can't imagine it. You've never known that life. Until now.  
  
I wanted so much to call Alyssa, but I love her too much. She didn't want to talk to me. I respect her wishes.  
  
Bank didn't want to talk to me either, on account he wanted time to figure out who he is. It's what he wrote to me in the last bit of communication I got from him. Just a little note with the inked Bluntman & Chronic issue. Guess he figured it out. He's with Hooper now. I would've never thought.  
  
I haven't dated anyone, not one person, since they left. Neither of them can understand what I'm going through. Maybe they struggled with coming to terms with their sexuality. I'm struggling with the fact that I accepted who I was so easily. I just woke up one morning and realized I was bisexual. And that was it. It's supposed to be more complicted than that, isn't it? I don't know.  
  
I guess maybe I'll find someone someday. Someone who'll make me as happy as Bank makes Hooper. That's all he talks about when I see him. I want that. I had that. My stupid ass screwed things up. Lyss just took it the wrong way. I wish I could take it all back. I never knew it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time. Now I know. And now I'm alone.  
  
END 


End file.
